Thursday, June 26, 2008

When something stinks....and it's you

Today was a pretty down day.

Well actually forget down, I was so far under I broke the earth's surface and found myself in China.

I became immersed with what I believe was my first full blown anxiety attack.

My ears were ringing (although in the end it helped block out the bs I was listening to.
My heart was racing
I wanted to throw up
And I wanted to run.

I wanted to run so far away so fast, that I would have made the Flash look like a turtle.
I wanted to be Waldo in a Where's Waldo competition for the blind.

You get the picture.

The only way I can describe what triggered this episode is that I somehow felt like I was a stinky pair of bowling shoes.

You know you don't like them, but you're going to pretend you do because that's how you play the game.

If you think you're better than me, don't pretend to be nice to me.
If you want my respect don't stand next to me and look right through me.
And lastly, watch what you say because someone is always listening.

I must have looked like a spastic monkey trying to leave the situation. I had hit that hyperactive cheerleader energy level - that level you hit when you are trying not to cry in public.

My husband was home when I walked through the door and the poor guy, after all he's had to deal with had to listen to me cry about how stupid I felt. How I wasn't sure if I fit in and how did I get to this point?

To top it off the freaking phone kept ringing... and ringing....and RINGING. With a broken caller ID there was no possible way I was playing the Russian Roulette phone game. Then my cell started ringing.

All I wanted was to be left alone.

I didn't want to talk about how I felt....well I did, but I've learned from horrible experiences that often those who jump to let you vent to them are the first to spread it around.

Listen to me. I've become so cynical I make Ebenezer Scrooge look like Santa Claus.

This California vacation can't come soon enough. I need a break - fast.


Beth said...

First of all, you're right, that person that wants to know all your feelings and each detail about what happened, is often one that will tell everyone else what you said. I learned that the hard way. You know, I don't even know exactly what happened, but I feel pretty safe in saying it's not you that stinks at all. In fact I'm feeling pretty darn pissed at whoever made you feel this way. Grr. Kind of weird for me since I have never met you in person, but darn one deserves to be made to feel that way! It sounds to me like this is a group of people that don't deserve to have you be part of them.

Anonymous said...

I hope your vacation gives you a chance to just pt everything social on the shelf. Just remember that you are not what other people judge you to be. Don't let anyone else's bad attitude get you down, nobody should have that kind of power over your happiness.

On a lighter note, that Where's Waldo comment had me rolling! Genius.

MayRae said...

Sounds like you're better off not being a part of the whole scene if they are still just young. Gotta enjoy the vacay you have coming and forget about the rest right? CA is nice and warm right now!

TwoSeasideBabes said...

People that make you feel as such are not worthy of your time precious. You're too good of a person to have to deal with the petty things that some people can dish out. You are so much stronger than you seem to think that you are. BTW, your blogs, despite the seriousness, show a genuine humor about you. When all else fails, if you still have humor, you know you are doing just fine. I'm glad to have "met" you...enjoy your vacation!