So I'm finally going to admit something that I've been keeping inside for a long time.
Yep a serious post folks.
I really don't like myself. It's to the point I'm not sure I would be even friends with me if I were someone else.
I hate how I care too much about what other people think of me.
I hate how I'm too quick to rush into new friendships or relationships only to realize that perhaps I'm only riding that rush the newness these friendships give you, rather than really getting to know people and how true they really are.
I hate how angry I am all the time and how emotionally up and down I am. I've become a bitch. The very type of person I never wanted to be.
I hate how I'm always depressed and struggle just to get out of bed in the morning and put on a happy face.
I hate how when I finally do try to talk to people about it, they blow me off or talk about me behind my back.
I hate how I can never find a group of women friends without at some point feeling like I've stepped back into high school, where everyone talks about everyone else and the "popular" crowd merely tolerates the "wannabees" How people bounce from one group to the other fueling the fire - me included.
I hate how I make my husband feel. His once happy wife is now a depressed nagger who would rather let the house collapse around her than deal with anything. If he only knew how much it breaks my heart to watch him try to hold it all together.
Basically I'm full of hate and I don't know why.
I honestly thought it was my birth control and I do think the extra hormones had a factor in everything. But lets face it...it's more than that.
But when I went to the doctor to get help, I was basically told I was wasting their time, given a renewal for said BC and shoved out the door in 10 minutes.
It left me feeling even more emotionally bruised. It's left me unwilling to talk to anyone about how I feel. Because if the doctor didn't think there was a problem then it must be all in my head right?
I have two very good friends that I know I can talk to. One of which understands me completely for she's been here before. Yet, it only makes me feel guilty when I vent to her.
There comes a point where I realize that all I do is complain and bitch about my life or the situations the upset me. I'm a downer to be around. And for those I've bitched or vented to I apologize.
It took me a long time to not care what people thought of me. To actually like myself and somehow I've slid back down the hill of self-confidence.
As I've rolled back down that hill I've gained weight, I've stopped writing. I no longer find crocheting or Moose Threads as exciting as it once was. I don't care about what I look like.
Yesterday, I realized I'd hit the bottom of the hill, when for the first time in our six years of being together my husband and I had a real fight.
Not a tiff, spat, argument, or disagreement -- a FIGHT.
Cruel words were said, screaming ensued. Things were thrown, the F-word was tossed around like it was the latest catch-phrase.
And I told him to leave.
I actually told the love of my life to leave.
When all was said and done my husband and I just looked at each other stunned. How did it get to this? What happened? It ended with him holding me as I sobbed and sobbed.
I never really even cry so for me to be sobbing to the point I couldn't catch my breath and my entire body was shaking you know there is a problem.
And I realized it was time to admit what was really going on, hence this post.
So here it is. It's out in the open and either you can be there for me and help me or use this to talk crap behind my back. The choice is yours. I'm no longer going to sit back and let myself go.
It's time to Merge or get run over because starting right now I'm climbing back up that hill of self-confidence, even if I have to get bruised and bloody emotionally to do so.