Wednesday, June 25, 2008

When life seems out of control

So I'm finally going to admit something that I've been keeping inside for a long time.

Yep a serious post folks.

I really don't like myself. It's to the point I'm not sure I would be even friends with me if I were someone else.

I hate how I care too much about what other people think of me.
I hate how I'm too quick to rush into new friendships or relationships only to realize that perhaps I'm only riding that rush the newness these friendships give you, rather than really getting to know people and how true they really are.

I hate how angry I am all the time and how emotionally up and down I am. I've become a bitch. The very type of person I never wanted to be.

I hate how I'm always depressed and struggle just to get out of bed in the morning and put on a happy face.

I hate how when I finally do try to talk to people about it, they blow me off or talk about me behind my back.

I hate how I can never find a group of women friends without at some point feeling like I've stepped back into high school, where everyone talks about everyone else and the "popular" crowd merely tolerates the "wannabees" How people bounce from one group to the other fueling the fire - me included.

I hate how I make my husband feel. His once happy wife is now a depressed nagger who would rather let the house collapse around her than deal with anything. If he only knew how much it breaks my heart to watch him try to hold it all together.

Basically I'm full of hate and I don't know why.

I honestly thought it was my birth control and I do think the extra hormones had a factor in everything. But lets face's more than that.

But when I went to the doctor to get help, I was basically told I was wasting their time, given a renewal for said BC and shoved out the door in 10 minutes.

It left me feeling even more emotionally bruised. It's left me unwilling to talk to anyone about how I feel. Because if the doctor didn't think there was a problem then it must be all in my head right?

I have two very good friends that I know I can talk to. One of which understands me completely for she's been here before. Yet, it only makes me feel guilty when I vent to her.

There comes a point where I realize that all I do is complain and bitch about my life or the situations the upset me. I'm a downer to be around. And for those I've bitched or vented to I apologize.

It took me a long time to not care what people thought of me. To actually like myself and somehow I've slid back down the hill of self-confidence.

As I've rolled back down that hill I've gained weight, I've stopped writing. I no longer find crocheting or Moose Threads as exciting as it once was. I don't care about what I look like.

Yesterday, I realized I'd hit the bottom of the hill, when for the first time in our six years of being together my husband and I had a real fight.

Not a tiff, spat, argument, or disagreement -- a FIGHT.

Cruel words were said, screaming ensued. Things were thrown, the F-word was tossed around like it was the latest catch-phrase.

And I told him to leave.

I actually told the love of my life to leave.

When all was said and done my husband and I just looked at each other stunned. How did it get to this? What happened? It ended with him holding me as I sobbed and sobbed.
I never really even cry so for me to be sobbing to the point I couldn't catch my breath and my entire body was shaking you know there is a problem.

And I realized it was time to admit what was really going on, hence this post.

So here it is. It's out in the open and either you can be there for me and help me or use this to talk crap behind my back. The choice is yours. I'm no longer going to sit back and let myself go.

It's time to Merge or get run over because starting right now I'm climbing back up that hill of self-confidence, even if I have to get bruised and bloody emotionally to do so.


April said...

OK..not being funny but you sound like me a couple months ago. Somewhat Happy me turned ragin biatch. I have been there and am will get better said...

Moose, my heart hurts for you because I understand the out of control emotions.

You have two options:
1st Keep going back to the doctors until they listen to you...."I'm not leaving here until you help me!!!"..kind of a thing.

2nd Try and figure out what is going on and help yourself.
I've been struggling with a depression brought on my some external family issues. I didn't want to be medicated and so I'm trying some different things.
I'm bulking up on B-12 vitimens and sunshine; I'm also adding back exercise in small increments. If you want to convo me I can give you more specifics.

It is helping...but I still have those days.
I don't know if yours is external or medical, but for me I'm learning about forgiveness....Foriving myself for not being perfect and forgiving others for not being perfect. There is no perfect love, there are no perfect friends, and life sometimes just sucks!!!!!!!!!

I'm rattling, sorry.....

You hang in there we are here for you!

Maddie and Mommy said...

I've been there - not a religious person but I feel that I am a spiritual one. The best thing I did was to "turn it over." It was so much easier for me when I realized that there is a Higher Power who can shoulder these burdens for me. If I don't have to be responsible for everyone and everything then my life is SO much simpler. Not to say that I achieve this every time and every day, but when I remember that my Higher Power is willing and able to take my burdens for me life becomes easy. Not to say that you should not continue to pester the hell out of those doctors...
Someone once told me that God is a true gentleman and he won't interfere or butt in unless asked. All I had to do was ask. Hope things get better for you, I know that you'll find the right answer for you.

We on the homefront love you no matter - kinda unconditionally like a puppy!

cutesieclips said...

Oh Moose, I am so, so sorry you are going through this right now. I went through a phase like that too, where I could feel my emotions raging inside. I can tell you what helped me, but we're all different. I started going on walks, getting sunshine and having time to clear my head. I really had to ask DH to help support me while I got better - and he did of course (sounds like yours will too), and finally when I felt the emotions building up I took a time out! LOL They're good for adults too!

All of these things helped me squash it and I haven't had any problems for quite awhile. I like what Kristina said about handing it over to Heavenly Father - that was big for me too. I hope this helps, we are there for you. It takes work in the beginning but once you feel like your old self it will be SO worth it! ♥hugs♥

Anonymous said...

Moose, I don't have any magic words to say but just to assure you that you are not alone even though you may feel that way.I think you will find a great deal of support here with many women who have gone through similar exeriences in their lives. Hang in there...things will turn around.

MonsterBug Blankets said...

Hey Sweetie, I've soooo been there. It's very hard to be everything for everybody. So hard to be a mom sometimes. I find myself getting so angry and out of control at times--it was especially bad in the first yr of both my kids' lives. I was just so angry--at everyone and everything. And I'd wonder who I'd become, and IF I'd ever get back to myself.

There are things you can do to help, things to help you overcome this. I've found to be helpful with getting housework done. She starts with little steps--small choices to make daily--that helps me to get on track. Some of them seem weird--but they help so much.

Also, I find getting up before the kids and having just some time to myself--to sit, to be quiet, to write, to read, to pray. This settles my spirit before the craziness begins. :) I sometimes have to set an alarm to get up early, early to do this--but it is worth it to me.

Last month I had to just stop sewing and stop listing on etsy, and just take the time to sleep and rest and recharge--my outlook on life was way better! I took time to enjoy the kids and enjoy our day.

The dr thing--find a new dr--one who will listen. Ask the tricare lady (does navy use tricare?) who SHE would go to--that's how I found good drs while hubby was active duty.

Use your writing to find yourself. Take time to write out your worries and fears and frustrations, and what you are grateful for. I also have to write in order to figure things out--and I use my early morning time to write to God--so I can give Him my craziness to hold for me. :) And it helps order my day, and get me on the right path.

I hope some of this can be of use to you! It's not easy--but you CAN do this!!! You can find some order and peacefulness. ANd it's not weird for you to be where you are now. :) My heart and prayers go out for you!


Beth said...

The other ladies have given you wonderful ideas, Moose. I just wanted to raise another hand up to say you are not alone. I have been there too, a few times, and it gets a bit easier each time to figure out the path to take. Sending hugs and soothing thoughts your way.

Sygnet Creations said...

Moose, I don't have any magic words to ease your pain or roller coaster of emotions. I can only be here for you to vent and talk to. I can be your shoulder and be understanding of your life and trials. Although we have never met face to face I can truly call you a friend and I can only hope you find your way back up that hill!! I am ALWAYS here!!

terryann said...

Dearest Moose... I think the others have left such good advice I would just be repeating it. I will pray for you if you let me. The only advice I could give you...
My hubby and I were going through a tough time once and we started reading to each other at bed time, nothing to complicated, just a chapter a night, and then we would just talk quietly about our day. We just got closer and it helped the whole family life. sometimes it is simple things that help.