So I finally got my referral to make an appointment with a counselor.
I've been staring at if for the past week and wavering back and forth as to when to call.
While I want to talk to someone who is a professional and unbiased I also am very cynical. Several fake friendships and a few trust betrayals have left me a bit lacking in the "openess" department.
A lot of why I'm hesistating is fear. I don't want to be made to think that what I'm feeling is trivial, all in my head, or just deemed anxiety and given Prozac as a quick-fix bandaid.
After having some good weeks I had a bit of a backslide in the confidence and depression department.
I stopped exercising. I starting sleeping a lot and I found myself dwelling on my failed friendships and the feeling of abandoment that comes along with those type of situations.
That, coupled with having Moose Threads subtly dissed by a few people, left me a little shaken and sad.
My husband has actually been a huge help in making sure I don't slide as far back into depression as I was a few months ago. He's been a good sounding board for when I'm feeling a bit lost and confused. He's backed up my decisions regarding taking stock in my relationships with people and helping me figure out what I need and how not to let myself get hurt again.
My big problem is that I came from a family where I was taught to be open and welcoming. I try to be there for people and show them the kind of support and treatment I would want out of life.
Unfortunatly, what tends to happen is I get used. People take take take and then ditch me once they get what they need.
But while my husband has helped me realize this, he's not a therapist and I shouldn't expect him to be.
One thing I did do the other day is make a point in deleting e-mails from people I no longer want anything to do with. I have to say, when once these mere simple little messages would have made me feel sad and a bit anxious, they now have no impact on me because I refuse to let them.
I cleaned out my Myspace page which I now think is pretty dumb to have at my age. I went through and deleted people I 1) don't talk to, 2) Don't care to talk to 3) Don't relate to. It was quite a liberating feeling.
I need to stop being angry and take charge of my own life and feelings. However, it's going to take a few falls before I learn how to ride that bike again.