Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I can't let it get to me

So I finally got my referral to make an appointment with a counselor.

I've been staring at if for the past week and wavering back and forth as to when to call.

While I want to talk to someone who is a professional and unbiased I also am very cynical. Several fake friendships and a few trust betrayals have left me a bit lacking in the "openess" department.

A lot of why I'm hesistating is fear. I don't want to be made to think that what I'm feeling is trivial, all in my head, or just deemed anxiety and given Prozac as a quick-fix bandaid.

After having some good weeks I had a bit of a backslide in the confidence and depression department.

I stopped exercising. I starting sleeping a lot and I found myself dwelling on my failed friendships and the feeling of abandoment that comes along with those type of situations.

That, coupled with having Moose Threads subtly dissed by a few people, left me a little shaken and sad.

My husband has actually been a huge help in making sure I don't slide as far back into depression as I was a few months ago. He's been a good sounding board for when I'm feeling a bit lost and confused. He's backed up my decisions regarding taking stock in my relationships with people and helping me figure out what I need and how not to let myself get hurt again.

My big problem is that I came from a family where I was taught to be open and welcoming. I try to be there for people and show them the kind of support and treatment I would want out of life.

Unfortunatly, what tends to happen is I get used. People take take take and then ditch me once they get what they need.

But while my husband has helped me realize this, he's not a therapist and I shouldn't expect him to be.

One thing I did do the other day is make a point in deleting e-mails from people I no longer want anything to do with. I have to say, when once these mere simple little messages would have made me feel sad and a bit anxious, they now have no impact on me because I refuse to let them.

I cleaned out my Myspace page which I now think is pretty dumb to have at my age. I went through and deleted people I 1) don't talk to, 2) Don't care to talk to 3) Don't relate to. It was quite a liberating feeling.

I need to stop being angry and take charge of my own life and feelings. However, it's going to take a few falls before I learn how to ride that bike again.


Anonymous said...

Sorry that you are feeling down again, but that is to be expected. We can hardly solve all our problems overnight, right? Just proceed with what your brain tells you, not your emotions. You will know what to do. *Remember who your real friends are!*

BTW - don't let anyone give you negative vibes about moose threads. You have quality workmanship and your style is unique. Anyone who tries to indicate otherwise probably has their own insecurities they are not dealing with. said...

Moose...your product is amazing....and becuase I'm old, I've learned to look at criticim in this way: I will take what is productive and the rest I TOSS!

Some relationships are toxic...they aren't bad people they are just bad for me....
There is a season for everything including relationships.

You are doing so well and it's a wise person who can see themselves falling back into depression...and then take steps to fix it.

Your homefront team is pulling for you!

Jessica said...

Hey there! Good to see you bloggin' again. Two steps forward, one step back ~ don't worry its normal! Frustrating? Yes, but normal.
As for moosethreads, if you didn't have such an amazing product I wouldn't have purchased two hats from you, commissioned a pair of socks and then given you my very own yarn to make the scarf that I'll never get around to making!!! :)

Looking forward to seeing you this afternoon!