Sunday, November 2, 2008

Toddlers, Teeth and Me.....

Having a toddler is like playing Russion Roulette. It's riskier than a blind man trimming his nether regions.

The hubby has offically been gone a month "playing in the water" as I sometimes tell our two-year-old. Of course being an Electrician's Mate aka Nuke, us Navy gals know that explanation is about as far-off as saying Ashlee Simpson is the next Virgin Mary.

It never fails that as soon as patrol starts the drama begins. My friend Christine says that the stuff that happens to me during patrols is so crazy that I can't make this stuff up.

Here are a few examples of patrols past:

* 1 week before they are slated to leave, the hubby flies home and sees his grandma just 15 minutes before she passes. Five days later, my grandfather passes. The next day the hubby leave on a 90-day patrol.
* While driving down for the funerals, the splash guard of my car comes off. We 9brother and I) proceed to drive with it crammed in the back through two states with an overloaded car and screming toddler
* The kiddo develops a double ear and eye infection the day before the funerals. He has such a bad reaction to the meds that I miss both funerals.....

Yeah, I know..... there's more.....

The house repairs we started before the hubby left, overlaps into the patrol. 7K worth of work turns into nearly 16K due to uncovered rot and other damage.

That's just ONE patrol folks.

This is now patrol No. 5 and just three-weeks into it the drama began.

I've come to the conclusion that the U.S. military should start using toddlers as secret weapons. If anyone has ever seen a toddler in full on tantrum mode then you know what I mean.


There is nothing more scary or dangerous than a hungry, tired, pissed off toddler. And trying to gain control of one during this state is like trying to put a diaper on a doberman.... you just don't do it.

After three hours of wonderful bliss spent at a local pumpkin farm, some friends and I decided to push our luck and go eat. My son's eyes were a bit droopy, his face a bit pouty, but I was hungry darnit.

And nothing comes between a PMSing mom than a burger and fries....nothing but a tantruming toddler that is.

Right outside the restaurant my son starts having a fit. He throws himself on the ground, he arches his back. He kicks his legs. He was giving the best performance of this short little life.

And by short little life, I mean short..... he's lucky I didn't decide right then and there to sell him on the black market.

I bent down to pick him up and BAM! His huge noggin connected with my chin. There was a moment of shock, then a moment of.....WHAT THE.....

Yep, in one second my son managed to turn my smile from pretty and pearly to gnarly and gapped.

My front top teeth were chipped, a premolar was half gone and two of my eye teeth were dinged. He sure doesn't do anything halfway.

This was a Sunday afternoon.

A few phone calls later and I found myself making three differnt trips to the dentist over the next few days. Thank god the hubby got his bonus. I know he wanted to marry a women like his mother... but I'm not sure he was referring to her dentures.

I love you Georgia!

*If it wasn't for my mother-in-law's uncanny wit and ability to make me laugh at such a situation (heck she raised my husband after all) I would be in in a dark closet rocking back and forth harder than a cat doing a calculus problem.

Did I mention we were only a MONTH into patrol.......


smokeymountainscents said...

Your post always leave me in tears I'm laughing so hard! You always seem to make a bad situation funny! (though I'm sure it was NOT funny at the time)You have a wonderful talent with words.

Homemade Zen said...

I hope you are feeling better now, great story though. Thanks for sharing!

Emily of Ella-Bear Bowtique said...

I firmly believe in murphey's law of deployments. If something can go wrong, it will!

Maddie and Mommy said...

what? no pictures? LOL Glad it all turned out!

terryann said...

so glad to have you back posting I missed these pearls of wisdom, learned at the school of hardknocks!